For those in the dark, my thoughts find sanctuary in writing. But manage your expectations – a good chunk of these musings is a cryptic mess, more due to my occasional laziness than any profound philosophical prowess.
I reckon some of this introspection is worth sharing, so bear with me.
Leafing through my 2020 journals, I've been struck by the razor-thin line between boldness and recklessness. In essence, it's been a roller coaster year – the highs of daring adventure and the lows of gut-wrenching failures. Those who know me might say I've always been straight as an arrow (whatever that's supposed to mean), but this year shook the ground beneath me. Not in a bad way, necessarily, but let's just say there were moments I wanted to tear my face off in frustration. But not crying over split milk — though it's fascinating how these experiences have schooled me in the art of self-forgiveness and, in turn, show me what real mercy towards others looks like.
Surprise, surprise – I'm not as predictable as I thought. I've caught myself off guard more times than I can count, not just in my desires, but in the intensity and pursuit of them. All these things that I've tried doing and pursuing this year would've never crossed my mind. But here's the thing — I could only be on guard when I am in control. That's not what this year is about. And yet — what shakes me to my core is the fact that — for once in my life, I am not in control — but here I am, actually fine. Isn't that gut-wrenching? I mean, what have I been doing all my life trying to steal the steering wheel while sitting in the passenger's seat, enjoying the scenes and the tunes is, not only pleasurable but also fascinating. What an ego crusher this year has been. I am utterly humbled to my core. And admitting I could be wrong about this whole conviction was when the real challenge hit. The crux of growth, as it turns out, is emotional, not intellectual.
Lesson #1: Growth hurts. It's about facing your limits, admitting your fallibility, recognizing your weaknesses, and coming to terms with the vast unknown. A bitter pill, indeed.
This wasn't a new revelation in 2020, though. Life threw this at me in 2019, but it's only this year that I've felt its full emotional weight. I'm not one to cave to my emotions easily. I've always believed in finding reasons for everything, thinking that understanding leads to rationalizing feelings. But the real frustration isn't about lack of control or understanding; it's about our human desire to find someone to blame.
Lesson #2: I was wrong in thinking that.
Reflecting on this, my papa did say to me on a random call, "Sometimes, the hardest thing is to accept that things just happen, and all you can do is accept. That's called surrender."
If to progress means to struggle, then I shouldn't shy away from it. Instead, I should pick my battles wisely. This leads us to:
Lesson #3: Some things are worth investing in, while others are best left in the past.
We're so blessed when we have people we love stay. But oh what a much-overlooked treasure it is to have a profound memory — someone who leaves, but left a mark so beautifully in your heart, though slightly hurtful, you both agree to treasure it deep within you — a glimpse of the past that you relive in the presence, and carry to the future. Not because you refuse to move along, but because no matter where you go, there's this part of you no one can touch — this thing in your soul that knocks you awake when you forget to live — that reminds you there are things out there that could make you feel so passionately, so deeply. And these treasured memories can do exactly that. And that's a gift.
But hey, I was skeptical about the whole "can't wait for 2021 for a fresh start" sentiment— that new year resolution bullcrap. Hell no, that's not me. To me, 2021 is just another day. One day to another. But. B.U.T. — if a new year symbolizes new beginnings and new beginnings summon new progress, then, please bring it on. Serve it to me on a silver platter, I'm ready.
P.S. Told you my reflections can get abstract. You dived in; now you're in the deep end with me.
P.P.S. Bonus lessons (future elaboration subject to my whims and schedule):
Lesson #4: The best thing I heard this year was, "You are my best friend. I may not agree with your decision, but I love you no less."
Lesson #5: Still figuring out how to be more selfless. Isolation hasn't helped (or has it just been an excuse?). But hey, one step at a time.
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